Oh look, it’s Heidi Klum posing in a bikini again. There’s Rihanna taking another selfie on the beach. And J-Lo, how awesome you look in your cossie.
Excuse me while I scoff a packet of Twisties, won’t you?
Flicking through Instagram for inspiration is one thing, but lately, every celebrity and their C-grade sidekick has been posting swimsuit selfies (swelfies) that may as well be a styled shoot, fit for a magazine. And you know what? It probably is.
Yes folks, before we get even more jealous (in one study, Instagram was 11 per cent more likely than other social media sites to induce pangs of envy), of their apparent 24/7 perfection, we should remember that celebrities control their image, and even if they’d like us to believe these shots are spontaneous, they’re probably meticulously planned.
Until we see a pic of Kim Kardashian awkwardly applying sunscreen to the tricky part of her back, or Beyonce frantically searching for keys in an overstuffed beachbag, hair flying in her face while Blue tries to feed her an old chicken and mayo sandwich that’s fallen in the sand, I think we can safely say these shots are BS.
Because we all really know what those trips to the beach are like, and while some mayget away with posting a one-off glamour pic, you know that just out of shot are the buckets, spades, beach balls and toy trucks, not to mention the sticky baby, who is determined to shovel sand in her mouth while you’re trying to fend off seagulls and clean up icecream that’s melted onto your toddler.
So when Gisele posts a pic of herself mid-cartwheel, in a bikini that flaunts her muscular bottom (ever heard those two words together in a sentence? Muscular. Bottom. It’s plain wrong), just know she’s projecting an image. That’s all it is. Smoke ‘n’ mirrors. It ain’t real. And the best bit about that is we can copy it, if we want to.
I’m not saying we should try and be perfect in a bikini. Hell no! I’m just saying we can lie. Here, the tricks to help project a celebrity image. And of course, take a better swelfie.
1. Choose a swimsuit that fits. Not too sloppy, not too tight. A great secret is that a tie-side bikini might look skimpy, but suits most sizes because the ties are adjustable. Loosen after lunch.
2. Pick a body part you like and emphasise it. If you have great breasts, choose a top that flatters and wear a necklace to show it off. Razzle dazzle up the top half and nobody will pay attention to anything else.
3. Is your cover-up an enormous towel you tie around your waist as you wander up for hot chips (or is that just me?). Tsk tsk. I recently discovered the power of a great cover-up and it’s not a sarong, nor a kaftan, which makes you look about three sizes bigger. It’s a soft, lean, man-style shirt that you can then tuck into a pair of shorts and go shopping afterwards. Trust me, I learnt this one from the Master (otherwise known as Kate Moss).
4. Two words: fake tan. That’s all.
Then we can all relish in the greatest meme going around on Instagram at the moment. “Q: how do you get ready for bikini season?”
“A: Buy a bikini.”
The big new pizza trend
From the “what will they think of next” files, comes the news that pizzas are a fashion thing now. First, Beyonce was spotted in a Kiko Mizuhara for Opening Ceremony pizza-printed top and pants earlier this year. Sounds bizarre but it was actually quite chic. Following this, Reformation released a T-shirt with the slogan, “Kate Moss and some pizza slices” – weird considering Ms Moss probably never eats pizza, but it’s a nice thought. Then Cara Delevingne and Katy Perry were seen out and about in the same Beloved, peperoni pizza-printed onesie, which looks more like a gigantic mess than a piece of clothing. Cara even had her hooded onesie done up over her face! Now the plot thickens (but still makes no style sense) with the announcement of McCain’s collaboration with fashion bloggers Tash Sefton and Elle Ferguson from theyallhateus.com and their very own pizza-print onesie you can win with a McCain Pizza Single purchase (see mccainpizzaonesie.com.au). It really is an inexplicable phenomenon when you think about fashion folks and their eating habits. Perhaps they’re trying to get satiated through their clothing.
Wanted: A charge clutch
It was only a matter of time: a slimline clutch that was capable of not only holding your sleek smartphone or tablet but charging them too. Introducing the H & Butler MightyPurse, a handheld clutch bag with a built-in charger. We’ve all been in that anxiety-inducing position where our phones are about to run out of power. You know you’re in trouble when you start limiting communication to texts only to save battery and don’t even check Facebook. Well, no more. Charge up the clutch at home before you leave, and while you’re out, the MightyPurse can recharge you two and a half times over. Available in finishes including patent leather, ponyhair and leopard, it’s $109.95.